Stimulus Package

I can remember a time in high school when someone brought up the subject of masturbation to a bunch of guys in my drama class. Some guys were brave enough to admit that they sometimes touched themselves, but not very often and never to the point of ejaculation. While there were a few almosts, wet dreams, and one pathetic story involving a pair of woman’s underwear that I believe was meant to somehow win retroactive permissibility, we all vehemently denied ever doing it on a regular basis.

In retrospect, I’m certain we were all chronic chicken chokers, who just weren’t comfortable enough to admit that we liked pleasuring ourselves. Sometimes the truth feels too powerful and it’s not until we grow up and live a little that we realize it’s okay to accept and even embrace it.

I hadn’t thought about that cringe inducing moment from my youth, until the most recent economic downturn and the onslaught of male Conservative politicians first denying our country’s recession and then denying any need for a stimulus package whatsoever. Something about the following faces did not jive.

Perhaps it was their discomfort in realizing another truth or perhaps it was their discomfort in knowing that they’d lied to Canadians during the last election, but all those faces took me back to my teenage discomfort and that group of acne-covered mugs not being able to admit the obvious.

Part of me wonders if it’s as simple as Prime Minister Harper not feeling comfortable with the words “stimulus” and “package.” I’m not sure this would make me feel better or worse, though it would at least give me a clue as to why his government has been in such denial. “Stimulus” is just too sexy and innuendo-filled. And “package” is, you know, down there. Put them together and it’s like an orgasmic Peanut Butter Cup of wordplay goodness. It’s just too much for little Stevie to handle — or touch a little bit, just a couple of times and never for too long.

In my experience it’s those on the left side of the political spectrum who publicly embrace stimulus. Some of us have become great package practitioners as well. I’m sure Jack Layton and Olivia Chow stimulate packages all the time — and good for them. It’s what this country needs.

I’m sure that by the time the next budget rolls out in late January, Prime Minister Harper will have found a way to embrace “stimulus” and “package” though, no matter what his government’s budget includes, I will not be able to look at him and his cronies without a bit of a smirk. Some things never change. The reasons, however, continue to add up.